The Musktown Massacre

CJ Hopkins

Well, it was touch and go there for a while, but it appears “free speech” has been saved again! That’s right, as I’m sure you’ve heard by now, all hell broke loose at Musk Cult HQ (also known by Musk Cultists as “Musktown”). It felt like the final days were upon us!

What happened was, the Communist Wokesters who are secretly still in control of Twitter pulled a fast one on our beloved leader! They are a devious bunch, those Commie Wokesters, and they’re out to destroy Elon’s beautiful dream of a free-speech-but-not-free-reach utopia!

The situation was still pretty fluid this morning, and I was getting a lot of conflicting reports, but, the word from San Francisco was, Elon had donned a pair of those scary 1970s Jim Jones sunglasses and was wandering around the Twitter campus with a megaphone rambling about “traitors” and “spies.” Delivery trucks bearing the “Flavor Aid” logo had been spotted crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. Senior Twitter Trust and Safety executives were golden-parachuting from upper-floor windows. Or something more or less along those lines.

But, seriously, what happened was, Free Speech Twitter “visibility filtered” Matt Walsh’s film, What is a Woman?, and Musk cultists’ brains were literally short-circuiting…

After promises that the problem would be fixed, the film has been flagged as hate speech and shares have been disabled pic.twitter.com/8bLGJOexWp

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 2, 2023

The poor Musk cultists could not believe that their beloved leader, a multi-billionaire military contractor and world-class huckster who wants to put computerized chips in their heads, had betrayed them. After all, he promised he wouldn’t! Or, I don’t know, maybe he didn’t …

In any event, it was pandemonium in the VIP Lounge at Musk Cult HQ. The wailing of assorted senior Musk Cultists resounded all across the Internet. “It can’t be Elon! No, not our Elon! Elon would never do this to us! This has to be the work of the secret evil cabal of culturally-Marxist censors who are sabotaging Elon’s dream of saving the Internet from the Bad Blue People! Yes, that’s it! It was Ella Irwin and her cocaine-addled Commonist Twitter moles!” (In case it wasn’t already obvious, that “Ella Irwin” tweet above is a fake.)

For a moment there, I was getting a little worried that we were looking at another Jonestown-type deal. But then, of course, right on cue, Elon swooped in and saved “free speech” from the evil Commie Wokesters, again!

Who could have possibly predicted that?!

It’s amazing, isn’t it, how Elon Musk keeps saving free speech from his own fucking company? He’s like Captain America, Jesus Christ, and PT Barnum all rolled into one!

Anyway, it appears the Musktown Massacre has been averted, or postponed. So that’s a huge relief. Meanwhile, Twitter censorship continues. But who cares? It’s not like anyone actually gives a flying fuck about free speech. It’s the “cult-versus-cult” competition that’s the thing! And the Musk Cult is kicking Covidian Cult ass!

Or the other way around. I’m not quite sure.

Whatever. As long as Elon allows us to “misgender” people on Twitter, we’re winning!

So, all together now, “THANK YOU, ELON MUSK!”

P.S. In case it isn’t clear, that Kim Dotcom tweet is not meant to be ironic.

CJ Hopkins is an award-winning American playwright, novelist and political satirist based in Berlin. His plays are published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Broadway Play Publishing, Inc. His dystopian novel, Zone 23, is published by Snoggsworthy, Swaine & Cormorant. Volumes I and II of his Consent Factory Essays are published by Consent Factory Publishing, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Amalgamated Content, Inc. He can be reached at cjhopkins.com or consentfactory.org.

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