The Blarney and The Carney

Oh dear Mr. Carney, I thought we’d handled this little matter of yours that’s certainly not your fault but definitely a little verbal peccadillo you seem to have.

Remember?

When you kept over-using the word “crises” in your speeches to the point where people actually felt compelled to count how many times—apparently 26 times in one outing. That was during the election phase of course. Perhaps that’s why.

I think you’ve pretty much managed that by having a summer vacation for Parliament so that any horrific crises is no longer worth talking about; but now I’m afraid it’s the word “catalyze.” You’ve transferred your problem with crises to catalyze. You KNOW don’t you, that someone is going to count them and then you’ll find yourself floundering around looking for another fetish word because people are going to start making it a take-a-drink-when-he-says game.

I just want you to know that there is indeed hope and you can stop this compulsion. It isn’t easy but it can be done. Just read a thesaurus at bedtime every night for a year. That’ll help.

But, now that I’m here simply trying to help you in your efforts, I feel a need to discuss your hands. To be honest they’re starting to get out of control. I was seriously concerned when I noticed this at the Whitehouse with your Trump meeting. Your hands kept gesticulating feebly in the air in his general direction while you were muttering “If I may. If I may. If I may.” I thought at the time this was just NOT going to work during Question Period in Parliament.

Luckily for you, your hands rose to the occasion in the House of Commons and you happily stabbed and pointed at the opposition without answering questions in true form for Liberals these days. So that is good. No surprises there. (Although now and then, just to appease the unwashed masses who might be watching, answering a question directly would be a refreshing change.) Can we change the name Question Period to Answer Period?

And another thing about your hands. I was thinking perhaps they invented the phrase “elbows up” to keep your hands out of sight? Is that possible? This is alas not a good thing. Your frightening dance display at the party after the election with you flaying your elbows about awkwardly was… well, let’s not go there.

And while we’re on the topic of appeasing the public, I’m thinking you might want to tell Canadians first about all the spending you’re doing rather than announce it overseas as you tend to do. It is simply a matter of courtesy, like not pointing your fingers or burping after dinner or telling your spouse you might be having an affair before everybody else knows. It makes us feel like you might have a Canadian bone in your body what with us witnessing your teas with the Kings and audiences with the Pope and stuff and your announcement that you are “European” first. How do you think that makes us feel here? Like the unwashed colonies we are I guess.

Which reminds me, you must stop having so many teas with the King. Canada is not your kingdom and you are not a king so ruling by decree as you have been with the Governor General and no Parliamentary approval for some of these outrageous things you’re doing is not nice. It’s just not nice at all. Why would we have elections if Parliament isn’t involved in any decision-making? It is all just futile? That’s what you’re making us believe I’m afraid.

And that Pope thing… Really! Spending all that money to send all these selected people to go see him on taxpayer’s money… wouldn’t that be better spent rebuilding the tens if not hundreds of Christian churches that have been burnt down here in our fair country in the last ten years? But then… what do I know? Apparently they’re going to be rewriting the bible with Artificial Intelligence to be inclusive so perhaps that’s all part of the plan. Which we are not privy to…

So many things we’re not privy to… such as a budget… I mean, you’re spending and promising billions and billions. We’d kind of like to see a budget… If you may… How do we catalyze that need?

Anyway…other than that I’m sure you’re doing well in the eyes of the people who are stuck in your algorithm. The only thing is, you are making reference in your Canada Day speech to Canadians rebuilding with the spirit of old, like the Centennial year of 1967. I know you’ve been away… but you see, people can’t find jobs, afford food, or homes, are living with crime and fear and have been demoralized to the point of exhaustion.

Exactly how are we all going to go “rah rah rah Canada?” You simply must think about this a little more. It’s a bit of an insult.

I know you don’t understand that but we have hope you might one day see the unwashed tax-paying public as worthy of a great deal of respect. We earned it. We weren’t just jettisoned here for glory you know. So make sure your advisors aren’t all liquored up and insane when planning how to go about this “rah rah rah” stuff. We all know that the elbows thing was desperately silly and we don’t want a repeat here.

Now back to your hands and vocabulary. The drinking games are going to get out of control if you don’t stop using the phrases: “If I may,” “crises” and “catalyze.” And “To be Clear” is another one. We all know that not a damn thing is clear anymore and it just seems foolish to say so. Blarney even.

Keep your elbows down and your hands in your pockets. That’s some advice. For your betterment and with the best of intentions. Thank you.

Here’s an ear worm:

Sylvia Shawcross is a writer from Canada. Visit her SubStack if you’re so inclined.

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