101 Things “not” to do before you die
Sylvia Shawcross
1. Try not to get born in the first place.
*
2. If born, don’t expect that the mere happenstance of your birth entitles you to be an idiot.
*
3. Contain any idiocy that shows up to within the first 18 years of your life and stop being an idiot thereafter.
*
4. Never buy a vacuum cleaner from a door-to-door salesman. (Actually, never buy a vacuum cleaner. They just enslave you.)
*
5. Do not think. Find out what everybody else who thinks think and adopt whatever they say. It’s just easier.
*
6. Truth does not set you free. Don’t be an idiot. It is more likely to put you in prison these days.
*
7. Don’t try and be a role model for anything. No one cares.
*
8. Don’t be an atheist. Agnostic maybe. If this is what you are capable of.
*
9. Always count your chickens before they hatch. This gives you ample opportunity to brag.
*
10. Don’t wash your compost bins. Surely to God you’ve got something better to do than wash your darn compost bin.
*
11. Do not decide what you are going to do with your life until you are 75.
*
12. Don’t randomly bite strangers unless they provoke you.
*
13. Don’t provoke strangers unless you simply must for fun.
*
14. If you find yourself crying while washing your compost bins try not to extrapolate from this any sort of existential conclusion over what your life has become.
*
15. Don’t watch the news. Really. Don’t. Ever.
*
16. If a friend recommends a Netflix show that is awful, don’t ever talk to them again. You don’t need friends like that.
*
17. Don’t confront your fears. This is a ridiculous concept invented by some wild-eyed madman possibly from Nicaragua who never had a bad day in his hairy little privileged life. We should hate him.
*
18. Do not stop breathing. Keep breathing.
*
19. Do not get into duel to the death arguments on FB over bicycles versus cars.
*
20. Do not think your first relationship is serious. You have gotten yourself involved with a replica of your problem parent to work out all sorts of horrible psychological issues only to discover they are just your problem parent all over again and not a darn thing gets resolved.
*
21. Do not try to understand anyone. This only gets you into trouble.
*
22. Don’t have children because they’ll come back to haunt you by living in the basement.
*
23. Don’t have a dog to replace the children you don’t have because vets are more expensive than doctors.
*
24. Don’t start feeding raccoons and crows. Just don’t. Much.
*
25. Don’t troll trolls unless you just can’t help yourself.
*
26. Don’t save money. It is only money. They’ll take it away anyway.
*
27. Don’t eat bugs. For heavens sakes! You’re not a Squamata.
*
28. Don’t do that genealogy thing. You might find out your great-grandfather was Jack the Ripper.
*
29. …Don’t promise to write 101 things “not” to do before you die when you can only think of 29.
*
Now why does this earworm remind me of the WEF and the mooing herds?
SUPPORT OFFGUARDIAN
If you enjoy OffG's content, please help us make our monthly fund-raising goal and keep the site alive.
For other ways to donate, including direct-transfer bank details click HERE.
“Do not stop breathing. Keep breathing”.
Failing that, try not to crash headlong at 60 mph into a stationary 3 ton Mercedes.
Failing that, try to quickly disable the airbag before it resuscitates you.
I mean, do the job at hand properly!
fuck of OG
pending again … let me tell you of a ‘celebrity’ truther who’s birthday is coming soon and a party being held at a venue away from london, because it’s ‘cool’ yet the local truthers are not being invited, rather shuved out of their abode with the red carpet being laid out instead – if this is resistance you can have it, it’s certainly not authentic
I see OG has deleted my very reasonable post about celebrity ‘truthers’ who are all over social media yet nobody wants to acknowledge them – don’t like upset amongst the troops – all i can say is you need to look at yourselves and determine whether you are really what you claim – the alt media is as bad as mainstream these day, and in some cases worse
No 102 – remove all self declared, social media ‘celebrity’ resistors (sic) in order to stop them from continually distracting from the ‘agenda’ – they are so full of their own egos there’s little room left for authentic folk
Number 30 – Try to remember not to tie your shoelace in a revolving door.
Why you should have a cat, before you have children… She will teach you everything you need to know, if you stroke her lovingly. You will simply fall in love with her, when you come back from work after a really bad, and save you from insanity…She’s cool and is delighted to see your Girlfriend too… When its really cold, and she has got big fat and fluffy,,,she will sleep on the bed with you, trying her best to keep you warm… When the Children turn up, she already knows how to walk round the edge of the bath, to be treated with respect. She accepts the Children, as if they are her own..and will do everything to Protect them from Rats Mice, and Foxes The Cat is The Queen of The House. and Everyone Loves Her especially the Children Everyone strokes her. She is just so sweet. It’s her… Read more »
It often seems like a series of unfathomable coincidences- like there are 8 Billion people in the world, and a bloke you used to work with 30 years ago turns up, when you are just sat on the beach…what are you doing here mate….But it is not an unfathomable series of coincidence – you have had very similar interests since you were children, or you wouldn’t have done the things you do….and in London at gigs, we can recognise a Lancashire accent instantly.
No one else speaks like us…
Its totally normal
Why do animals never kill their oppressors? “We just wanted to following orders”.
lol… okay okay okay… humour is not welcome in a world in such dire circumstances. I wrote this awhile ago anyway. I threw it in because lately my dark meanderings make me feel a bit guilty for anyone who might read them. Adding to the burden isn’t helpful. However, it appears that is what I’m left with for now and so it goes. Carry on everyone.
Sadly the “cows & sheep” analogies for the state of our collective humanity must be relegated to “the good old days” and finally put to bed. We’ve clearly entered into – “lemming” – territory at this point.
Collective humanity = “Which way to the cliffs?” “Wanna race?” – : /
When I got my new job in 1995, my boss explained all my responsibilities, my desk in the main building, and my desk in the other building with the contractors, and promptly went on holiday the next day to Cyprus for two weeks. I rapidly realised, that he was an incredibly talented and nice man…and all his staff loved him including me..He recognised my talent and recommended me for promotion…he’s already doing the jobs, so you might as well pay him the going rate…and they did…
Then the new management took control, all smarmy gets, and he refused to go on their multi-racial diversity courses.
“You ain’t get any Blacker than me”
They still Fired Him
I immediately applied to be made redundant
I do not like working for stupid racist cunts.
Its about talent and getting the job done.
Fyi:Dissident Dialogues: Meredith Miller (Q&As #1–4)
Most people get born. It’s not our fault..you have just got to make the best of it. I had two older brothers and two older sisters, peering at me, as if I was …and they were looking at mum and dad, and didn’t understand..The four of them had been born very close together during WW11, and I turned up 8 years later.
Not only that, but my Mum was Breastfeeding me. Apart from the cat and the birds and the bees, they found it hard to believe. My Mum and Dad, were extremely old 48 and 38 and he snored a lot.
Being the youngest is not all bad..they sometimes tell the truth – don’t go to our single sex schools – or you will turn out mad.
Go to a school with boys and girls, and bring your friends home.
The truth certainly hurt me. Ended up joining a new golf group. Turned out they were no different. Nothing worse than brainwashed old men. Old men don’t do well with incredulousness. They were truly worried about me infecting them. Idiots. Composted for a while. Such a pain. Tree roots. All that water and electricity to pump it. Never tried cans. Neighbor’s compost bin is on our border. Animals visit the open heap and drag everything into my property. Constant mess. They don’t turn or water it and don’t cover it with a layer of dirt. It stinks all the time. Was thinking about mailing them a copy of a book on how to properly manage a compost pile. Cover it with dirt. Keep it moist. Turn it. Don’t have one if you can’t manage it properly. It should be more than a good feeling. Had an uncle who might have… Read more »
The anniversaries are hard Hemlock. I know. I hear you.
30. Don’t waste your time trying to be funny. We have too many comedians already.
This deserves far more upvotes
what is the point of this?
I would guess that she was busy and forgot it was her turn to submit an essay. And I am glad she stopped at 29.
Since when did you ever have to ‘wash your soil’ in the garden? So why on earth do you need to wash your compost bins? It’s a good idea to wash leeks you harvest in the winter, because you want to cook with them, but you don’t need to ever wash them whilst they are actually growing….
We have a recycling program here. They give us a bin and we compost and they take it away every few weeks to some place we don’t know… its all very mysterious.
Its science. One day they came and shifted the 1 big paper bag for my 2-3 small plastic garbage bags to 3 meter high plastic containers, 2 big and 1 small for dangerous xx, and asked me to make concrete an area solely for them.. Because it was easier and better and did something to for the environment. I didnt liked it. From 1 paper bag to 3 hard plastic 1m buckets….inside my legal lot? I wrote 2 mails to the department and never got an answer, in the third mail I asked them to take their 3 buckets away from my lot. I can handle 2-3 plastic bags of garbage/week better than their new attempts to investment cheat. However, first after this actions, I discovered it is because they want to make scientific research on whats inside my small plastic bags, and these data can be sold to AI… Read more »
Thank you for stopping at 29 – because I would have read all 101. And then gone back and looked for the ones I already did. (I think I found 2 I didn’t do.)
BTW: here’s number 30: don’t practice good grammar if it put an “I” right after a number. Use “me” instead.
haha. My grammar is probably right up there with my creative punctuation.
I feel short changed, there is only 29 …..
Reminds of this.
Everybody is free to wear sunscreen: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI
I disagree with the sunscreen advice (it took me a while), but agree with the rest of the song
Anyway…
You know how effective brainwashing is when so many think smothering their skin with petrolatum, to block off the sun, which gives life, is a good idea and will protect them from cancer.
Sadly, humans have smothered “their” sky with so much gunk that the sun not only gives life, it takes it (with UV-C rays). See, we forgot there was an ozone layer when we started spraying. Mr. Einstein could have told us that the greatest minds are also the most scatterbrained.
Ok. See how you fare without sunlight then.
Everyone should duck outside a couple times a day (preferably naked) and get their share of non-lethal rays. Just don’t expect the ozone to shield you.
BTW, it’s our attempt to shield us from the sun that has all but destroyed the ozone layer.
So here’s something that belongs in the number 2 spot above: Don’t try to fix things you’ve already broken – you’ll only make them worse.
Re No.9: the media are already doing their lap of honour about a change of government in the UK. They’re so delighted they can’t wait for the actual result. Meanwhile here’s some technocracy/transhumanism propaganda: https://www.technologyreview.com/2024/05/15/1092350/technology-is-probably-changing-us-for-the-worse-or-so-we-always-think/?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-gb One of the standard techniques with these things is to list examples of where people had the same fear in the past and imply “ho, ho, ho, weren’t they dumb – it was nothing to worry about then so can’t be now!”. Firstly, the past fears it quotes seem to me to have been exactly right and this is the hellscape in which we now live. Secondly, even the article admits there’s more change now but they won’t consider that the amount of change can become qualitively something else to what existed before. This is what Toffler meant by “future shock”. Toffler cites reams of evidence that great amounts of change are both physically and… Read more »
Dig your always thoughtful content. Here’s a bit of useful advice… if you’re sharing a link, remove everything beginning with, and including, the first question mark (?) in the URL string (unless sharing timestamped video content wherein you might see “t=xxxx” following the ? – keep this, remove everything beyond this).
The data following the question mark is either formatting info or tracking data. In either case it is unnecessary.
How I hated that Toffler book and it’s author, almost as much as Attali. This is the future we are creating for you shmucks, ha ha ha, we like it.
become christ on earth, as i was created. be the light of the world, turn earth into eden.
How ’bout just refrain from f*cking up? That should be enough, instead of pretending that you’re God.
i did not say god, i said christ on earth [ it’s a title, not a name ] though ultimately he, our advanced brother , and we, are god. here’s 1 thing that ACIM has to say re … Every thought you have makes up some segment of the world you see. There is no point in lamenting the world.³There is no point in trying to change the world.⁴It is incapable of change because it is merely an effect.⁵But there is indeed a point in changing your thoughts about the world.⁶Here you are changing the cause.⁷The effect will change automatically. The world you see is a vengeful world, and everything in it is a symbol of vengeance.²Each of your perceptions of “external reality” is a pictorial representation of your own attack thoughts. You see the world that you have made, but you do not see yourself as the image maker.… Read more »
Terrible life advice.
Forgive me, but I must say that someone who takes their life advice from the most mean-spirited text ever concocted (The Bible) ought not to speak.
30.
Learn to play a portable musical instrument (Pianos are pain to hang off your back).
31.
Start singing and don’t stop.
32.
Don’t let your device rule your Life.
Thanks Sylvia.
You are a salve.
Johnny, my advice would simply be: learn to play the trombone.
What happens if you have an absolute zero musical ability? I couldn’t even be taught to play the guitar – yet when I put the guitar in my 3 year old niece’s lap (the wrong way of course), she started playing right away!
Yeah, we have two-year olds here who can do that.
My one year old uncle’s son played “Stairway to Heaven” on lead guitar right on his back. Not a problem.
I deliberately avoided learning ‘Stairway to Heaven.’
I’m surprised we haven’t got videos of Anthony Blinken playing it very badly. Anyway he’s crap. And in English ‘blinken’ is just about a weak swearword. ‘Wear sword?’
‘Harmonica Howard’
It’s got a ring to it 🎶
‘Salvia Officionalis.’
Got em in the garden.
First plant I ever bought for my late wife for Mother’s Day. Every Mother’s Day after that we went to the local annual grower and she picked out flats of annuals for me to plant. She pointed. I did. She was happy.
It puts me in mind of a line in a very old song – “I took my harp to a party but nobody asked me to play.”
TY Johnny. Better a salve than a slave I always say. 🙂
Very clever 🤔
Once a wordsmith always a wordsmith Sylvia.
Peace be with you.
‘(S)words myth.’