All posts filed under: satire

A Russiagate Requiem

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So the Mueller report is finally in, and it appears that hundreds of millions of Americans have, once again, been woefully bamboozled. Weird, how this just keeps on happening. At this point, Americans have to be the most frequently woefully bamboozled people in the entire history of woeful bamboozlement. If you didn’t know better, you’d think we were all a bunch of hopelessly credulous imbeciles that you could con into believing almost anything, or that our brains had been bombarded with so much propaganda from the time we were born that we couldn’t really even think anymore.

War Criminals Anonymous: A Play in One Act

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Hope Kesselring Characters: Ned Diamond – Former Assistant Secretary of State, in his sixties, wearing a WCA T-shirt and camouflage shorts. Michelle Cardiff – CIA officer, about 40, wearing a red skirt suit. Buster Bianchi – Lobbyist in his late fifties, wearing a dark suit and a tie festooned with cartoon characters. Larry Overton – Art supply company CEO, late forties, wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants. Blake Goodwin – Air Force officer, late thirties, wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and jeans. Setting: The basement of a pizza parlor in Washington, DC. The WCA members are seated around a large table with Ned at the head of it. Scene: NED: (Bangs gavel.) I’d like to welcome everyone to the Tuesday night Atone for Drones group of War Criminals Anonymous. My name is Ned, and I’m a recovering massacrist. EVERYONE ELSE: Hi, Ned! NED: Let’s start this meeting with a moment of silence for all the war criminals out there still suffering in their addictions. (They bow their heads.) May they find their way to …

WATCH: Robert Newman’s History of Oil

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Philip Roddis The best comedians are the cleverest people on the planet. I’m grateful to a BTL comment on OffGuardian, below a piece of mine on Venezuela, for linking to this forty-five minute video. It has Robert Newman saying exactly what I try to say, but with vastly greater wit and panache, on the history of oil and, more generally, a materialist perspective on history. Performed in 2006, it could have been yesterday given the clueless way we insist on viewing each “pro-democracy” intervention – Iraq, Libya, Syria and now Venezuela – on a case by case basis. Given too the criminal way ‘our’ media ignore the material drivers of war. In both my two posts this week on Venezuela, I described corporate media as having “abdicated a core duty in their refusal to explore motives that cast a very different light on Western interventions sold to us as humanitarian”. Newman treads the same ground but here too – damn the man – he does it better.

My Interview with Democratic Candidate They Legion

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Vladimir Golstein In the heart of the heartland, in Des Moines, Iowa, the Democratic Party has at last found a perfect candidate, the one who finally looks like America. She is white and black and Hispanic, all in proper proportions. She has some remnants of Jewish and Arabic blood, and 0,001% of the Native American one. She is transgender and bisexual, an athlete and Rhodes Scholar to boot. She hates personal pronouns and prefers to go under the name, They. Her last name is Legion. They Legion is being groomed by DNC for the role of a super challenger who will finally unseat Trump. In order to extend They’s appeal to the alt-media community, the DNC decided to grant me this rare interview. Below are the excerpts. And unfortunately, I don’t have the voice beguiling voice of Terry Gross, but try to imagine that she conducts the interview. VG: So, They, you had a very rough childhood, but you write in your biography, called, Democratic Hope Dies Last, that what kept you going was listening …

ODE to 2018

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It fogs the mind that Century Twenty-One
Already has a sixth of its span run.
Those born in the first months of the millennium
Can vote – all we can do is to pinchpenny ’em.
The hope is slim they ever can afford
To own a home. It seems a poor reward
For working internships and zero-hours,
No job security as came with ours.
I’m thankful for the age when I was young –
The Swinging Sixties, long gone, fully swung.

Thank you, Saudi Arabia

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by Vladimir Golstein Thank you, Saudi Arabia for exposing the utter hypocrisy and moral bankruptcy of British and American gangsta press and equally gangsta establishment. You’ve been at it for a very long time. And it seems that finally you’ve got it right. When you chopped the heads of your own dissidents or women raped by your spoiled brats, the western media and its politicians said they respect your traditions. When you treated your own women like shit, forcing them to be dressed as Halloween ghosts during the hottest days of summer, the west said that it is our moral duty to accept diverse cultures. When you decimated civilians in Yemen, the west looked another way and sold you more arms to decimate more people in Yemen. When you sponsored all kinds of violent thugs all over Balkans, Middle East, Europe and Africa, and encouraged them to take over giant patches of land, the west looked the other way, as long as the oil was flowing. Finally, some of your sexually repressed thugs flew the …

From previously unpublished pages of Gogol’s “Diary of a Madman”

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by Vladimir Golstein From recently found and previously unpublished pages of Gogol’s “Diary of a Madman.” Day 1. Woke up late today.  Read NYT.  There are a lot of things that bother me.  There are Russian spies and Nazis everywhere.  And all they do is plotting something against our democracy.  What a disgrace. Went to a coffee shop.  On the way there, saw a dog carrying a newspaper.  A Chinese Chow-Chow dog.  Oh, those are crafty.  Followed it.  Found where it lived.  As I was getting close to it, I’ve heard it grumbled something.  But it was in Chinese, so I didn’t quite get it.  I wonder, how they make it in this country without English. Returned home and listened to the NPR.  Our president bothers me.  He wants to keep foreigners out.  If he does that, who will cut my grass? Had my quinoa salad and went to bed. Day 2. The NYT wasn’t at its usual place on the porch. Somebody must have read it already.  Must be one of those dogs.  They …

The Exceptional Nation…

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Terje Maly BERLIN,December 17, 1954 The struggle for power in the ruling elites continues unabated after the official loser in the elections for Chancellor last month refuses to concede. Speculations abound about a ‘constitutional coup’, where the Party representatives will overrule the people’s suggestions. Eva Braun (42) suffered a setback in her quest to be the first female Chancellor, after her loss to Hermann Goering (61), the former minister for aviation, last month. People close to her have stated their displeasure at the result, and have more than hinted that they would seek to overturn the result. Her campaign was severly impacted by the exposure of several scandals. Leaked documents showed her hobnobbing with leading industrialist for support and funding, reminiscent of her husband’s infamous speech to a similar assembly of industrialists and bankers in 1932, before he got elected. Her husband is widely regarded as a controversial Chancellor with a difficult legacy. Even so, the couple are known for their long-standing charitable activities. The former Chancellor’s kindness to animals is legendary, and together they …