101 Things “not” to do before you die

1. Try not to get born in the first place.

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2. If born, don’t expect that the mere happenstance of your birth entitles you to be an idiot.

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3. Contain any idiocy that shows up to within the first 18 years of your life and stop being an idiot thereafter.

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4. Never buy a vacuum cleaner from a door-to-door salesman. (Actually, never buy a vacuum cleaner. They just enslave you.)

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5. Do not think. Find out what everybody else who thinks think and adopt whatever they say. It’s just easier.

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6. Truth does not set you free. Don’t be an idiot. It is more likely to put you in prison these days.

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7. Don’t try and be a role model for anything. No one cares.

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8. Don’t be an atheist. Agnostic maybe. If this is what you are capable of.

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9. Always count your chickens before they hatch. This gives you ample opportunity to brag.

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10. Don’t wash your compost bins. Surely to God you’ve got something better to do than wash your darn compost bin.

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11. Do not decide what you are going to do with your life until you are 75.

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12. Don’t randomly bite strangers unless they provoke you.

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13. Don’t provoke strangers unless you simply must for fun.

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14. If you find yourself crying while washing your compost bins try not to extrapolate from this any sort of existential conclusion over what your life has become.

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15. Don’t watch the news. Really. Don’t. Ever.

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16. If a friend recommends a Netflix show that is awful, don’t ever talk to them again. You don’t need friends like that.

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17. Don’t confront your fears. This is a ridiculous concept invented by some wild-eyed madman possibly from Nicaragua who never had a bad day in his hairy little privileged life. We should hate him.

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18. Do not stop breathing. Keep breathing.

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19. Do not get into duel to the death arguments on FB over bicycles versus cars.

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20. Do not think your first relationship is serious. You have gotten yourself involved with a replica of your problem parent to work out all sorts of horrible psychological issues only to discover they are just your problem parent all over again and not a darn thing gets resolved.

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21. Do not try to understand anyone. This only gets you into trouble.

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22. Don’t have children because they’ll come back to haunt you by living in the basement.

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23. Don’t have a dog to replace the children you don’t have because vets are more expensive than doctors.

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24. Don’t start feeding raccoons and crows. Just don’t. Much.

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25. Don’t troll trolls unless you just can’t help yourself.

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26. Don’t save money. It is only money. They’ll take it away anyway.

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27. Don’t eat bugs. For heavens sakes! You’re not a Squamata.

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28. Don’t do that genealogy thing. You might find out your great-grandfather was Jack the Ripper.

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29. …Don’t promise to write 101 things “not” to do before you die when you can only think of 29.

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Now why does this earworm remind me of the WEF and the mooing herds?

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