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Welcome to the Future: Your ABC Guide to Newspeak


In these hectic, shifting modern times it can be hard to keep track of exactly what modern journalists are trying to say. As we move beyond the archaic concept of language, into a more enlightened age where meaning is subjective and feeling-based, we have to learn to embrace a more sensitive and expressive English lexicon. To that end we present a handy guide – an interpreter’s bible, for tourists in this Brave New World.

The sole motivating factor behind most, if not all, military action taken by an “autocratic state”. Even actions that appear, at first glance, to be defensive or neutral, are done in defiance of the “international community” and are therefore aggressive.

A government, or nation-state that is “anti-democratic” i.e opposed to “humanitarianism” (see below), and refuses to bow to the will of the “international community” (see below). It should be noted that some autocracies can appear to be “democracies”, even going to so far as to have their leaders elected by a large majority.

Highly trustworthy and peerlessly benign institutions who have total control over the value, production and distribution of your currency. They help drive the economy by creating fake money, out of thin air, and lending it to you at high rates of interest. It should be noted that they insist the money you give them back is real.

An American oligarch.

Something which never happens here and always happens over there.

Something which never happens here and always happens over there.

Conspiracy Theorist
A man, woman or child who believes (falsely) that a “conspiracy” could happen here.

The driving force behind modern, civilized, advanced economies. More old-fashioned economies (mainly found in “autocracies”) focus on production, manufacture, trade and resources.

The sole motivating factor behind most, if not all, military action taken by “democratic” nations – especially those who are NATO members or part of the “international community”. Whilst some of these actions may appear to be “aggressive”, no true “democracy” would ever endorse military “aggression”. Acts that appear to be “aggressive” are merely preemptive defensive moves, carried out with deepest regret. See also: national security.

Any nation belonging to, or allying with, the “international community” and/or NATO. Many of the international community’s regional allies may appear to be theocracies or monarchies, but they are still democracies at heart. The “international community” would never ally itself with people who do not share their core values.

Process by which the population of a “democracy” are allowed to choose which corporate spokesperson is pretending to make decisions for the proceeding 4 or 5 years. It is important to note that “autocracies” may APPEAR to hold elections, but these are never fair, and always rigged. Elections in “democracies” are always fair, even when they appear to be rigged. The ultimate arbiter of electoral fairness is the “international community”.

The driving force behind the domestic policies of any true “democracy”. It is very important that men, women and children of every ethnicity and religious background have to work equally long hours, for equally low wages to pay off equally crippling debt, and that they face equal amounts of jail time should they fail to do so.

Formerly: Belief that individual sovereignty is essential, and that the true worth of a society can only be measured by one man’s ability to think, feel and say whatsoever he wishes without fear of retribution.

Modern usage: The state and being of living within a “democracy”. Every citizen of the “International Community” enjoys limitless freedom. However, should they indulge in apologizing for “autocracy”, “terrorism” or spreading “conspiracy theories” they void their freedom, and become subject to “justice” (see below).

Guns (civilian)
Formerly: Important tools in the battle to protect freedom from tyranny.

Modern usage: Dangerous, corrupting, violent possessions valued only by conspiracy theorists, terrorists and people who hate children.

Guns (governmental)
Important tools in the battle to protect “rebels” from “autocracy”. Crucially important export business (see also: bombs).

The reason the “international community” declares war on developing countries, rich in natural resources.

The reason the “international community” used to declare war on developing countries, rich in natural resources.

International Community
North America, Western Europe and Oceania.

People who reject the democratic process of “liberation” (see below) via “humanitarian bombing”. Often the tools of “autocracies”.

A newly democratized state, free of “autocracy”, but still suffering from “insurgency”.

The process by which minor criminals are imprisoned or executed by major criminals.

The process by which “humanitarian bombing” turns an “autocracy” into a “democracy”.

A newly democratized state, free of “autocracy”, but still suffering from “insurgency”.

Religious fundamentalists and/or psychopathic mercenaries who believe in executing prisoners, burning heretics and eating human organs…but who only do it in Syria.

National Security
Essential consideration of any “democracy” – no citizens of the “international community” can truly enjoy “freedom” or “equality” if their national security is threatened. As such, “democratic” governments must sometimes declare “defensive” wars in order to maintain it. “Autocracies” often falsely cite national security as justification for military “aggression”.

Purely “defensive” military alliance tasked, by the “international community”, with “liberating” “autocracies” through “humanitarian” bombing and ensuring global “peace” by spending billions in imaginary currency on very real weapons of war.

An old conservative.

A Russian billionaire.

A state or individual who is not a friend of the “International Community”, and thus must rely solely on the other 2/3 of the world for trade and diplomatic relations.

Something that never happens here and only happens over there.

Aspiration that can only be achieved through perpetual war.

Islamic zealots, anti-government movements, foreign mercenaries and right-wing militias operating within an “autocracy”.

“Autocratic” and “corrupt” “pariah” state, currently engaged in military “aggression” against “rebels” and “moderates”, whom “conspiracy theorists” falsely claim are backed by the “international community”. A possible threat to the “national security” of “democracies”, and thus a potential candidate for a NATO campaign of “humanitarian” bombing in the name of “peace” and “freedom”.

Islamic zealots, anti-government movements, foreign mercenaries and right-wing militias operating within a “democracy”.


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  4. OK says

    Humanitarian aid: Supplying rebels or moderates with essentials. Also known as gun running.

    Non-governmental organisation: Information warriors working at arms length for “democratic” governments, often with a humanitarian cover task, working in foreign communities for information gathering and information distribution.

    Regime: Government that is not a “Democracy”

    Propaganda: Non-MSM media publications

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  7. rootietootie says

    Posted on CiF an irrefutable objection to a paragraph of a Jonathon Freedland article on antisemitism in the Labour Party, pointing out how he had dishonestly extracted part of a post by Vicky Kirby to make her look guilty, while also failing to mention the origin of the whole quote. (a joke by Jewish comedian David Baddiel).
    My comment got 18 likes, and then was suddenly removed. To not be allowed to point out dishonest content
    by a Guardian writer is really sinister.

    • Seamus Padraig says

      Well, as of 20:30 Berlin Time, June 6, it is still there. I just went and gave it another like.

      Another technique for introducing ‘forbidden’ links into CiF comments is to disguise them somewhat by using the Link feature on the comment box, lower right. That way, they can only see the URL if they mouse over it and read it.

  8. Roger says

    Add “politcal correctness”
    Definition: any manner of describing things which is meant to persuade the public that sheep-shit is a healthy, delightful, and nourishing food.

Please note the opinions expressed in the comments do not necessarily reflect those of the editors or of OffG as a whole