Welcome to the Future: Your ABC Guide to Newspeak

In these hectic, shifting modern times it can be hard to keep track of exactly what modern journalists are trying to say. As we move beyond the archaic concept of language, into a more enlightened age where meaning is subjective and feeling-based, we have to learn to embrace a more sensitive and expressive English lexicon. To that end we present a handy guide – an interpreter’s bible, for tourists in this Brave New World.

Aggression
The sole motivating factor behind most, if not all, military action taken by an “autocratic state”. Even actions that appear, at first glance, to be defensive or neutral, are done in defiance of the “international community” and are therefore aggressive.
Autocracy
A government, or nation-state that is “anti-democratic” i.e opposed to “humanitarianism” (see below), and refuses to bow to the will of the “international community” (see below). It should be noted that some autocracies can appear to be “democracies”, even going to so far as to have their leaders elected by a large majority.
Banks
Highly trustworthy and peerlessly benign institutions who have total control over the value, production and distribution of your currency. They help drive the economy by creating fake money, out of thin air, and lending it to you at high rates of interest. It should be noted that they insist the money you give them back is real.
Billionaire
An American oligarch.
Corruption
Something which never happens here and always happens over there.
Conspiracy
Something which never happens here and always happens over there.
Conspiracy Theorist
A man, woman or child who believes (falsely) that a “conspiracy” could happen here.
Debt
The driving force behind modern, civilized, advanced economies. More old-fashioned economies (mainly found in “autocracies”) focus on production, manufacture, trade and resources.
Defense
The sole motivating factor behind most, if not all, military action taken by “democratic” nations – especially those who are NATO members or part of the “international community”. Whilst some of these actions may appear to be “aggressive”, no true “democracy” would ever endorse military “aggression”. Acts that appear to be “aggressive” are merely preemptive defensive moves, carried out with deepest regret. See also: national security.
Democracy
Any nation belonging to, or allying with, the “international community” and/or NATO. Many of the international community’s regional allies may appear to be theocracies or monarchies, but they are still democracies at heart. The “international community” would never ally itself with people who do not share their core values.
Election
Process by which the population of a “democracy” are allowed to choose which corporate spokesperson is pretending to make decisions for the proceeding 4 or 5 years. It is important to note that “autocracies” may APPEAR to hold elections, but these are never fair, and always rigged. Elections in “democracies” are always fair, even when they appear to be rigged. The ultimate arbiter of electoral fairness is the “international community”.
Equality
The driving force behind the domestic policies of any true “democracy”. It is very important that men, women and children of every ethnicity and religious background have to work equally long hours, for equally low wages to pay off equally crippling debt, and that they face equal amounts of jail time should they fail to do so.
Freedom
Formerly: Belief that individual sovereignty is essential, and that the true worth of a society can only be measured by one man’s ability to think, feel and say whatsoever he wishes without fear of retribution.
Modern usage: The state and being of living within a “democracy”. Every citizen of the “International Community” enjoys limitless freedom. However, should they indulge in apologizing for “autocracy”, “terrorism” or spreading “conspiracy theories” they void their freedom, and become subject to “justice” (see below).
Guns (civilian)
Formerly: Important tools in the battle to protect freedom from tyranny.
Modern usage: Dangerous, corrupting, violent possessions valued only by conspiracy theorists, terrorists and people who hate children.
Guns (governmental)
Important tools in the battle to protect “rebels” from “autocracy”. Crucially important export business (see also: bombs).
Humanitarianism
The reason the “international community” declares war on developing countries, rich in natural resources.
Imperialism
The reason the “international community” used to declare war on developing countries, rich in natural resources.
International Community
North America, Western Europe and Oceania.
Insurgents
People who reject the democratic process of “liberation” (see below) via “humanitarian bombing”. Often the tools of “autocracies”.
Iraq
A newly democratized state, free of “autocracy”, but still suffering from “insurgency”.
Justice
The process by which minor criminals are imprisoned or executed by major criminals.
Liberation
The process by which “humanitarian bombing” turns an “autocracy” into a “democracy”.
Libya
A newly democratized state, free of “autocracy”, but still suffering from “insurgency”.
Moderates
Religious fundamentalists and/or psychopathic mercenaries who believe in executing prisoners, burning heretics and eating human organs…but who only do it in Syria.
National Security
Essential consideration of any “democracy” – no citizens of the “international community” can truly enjoy “freedom” or “equality” if their national security is threatened. As such, “democratic” governments must sometimes declare “defensive” wars in order to maintain it. “Autocracies” often falsely cite national security as justification for military “aggression”.
NATO
Purely “defensive” military alliance tasked, by the “international community”, with “liberating” “autocracies” through “humanitarian” bombing and ensuring global “peace” by spending billions in imaginary currency on very real weapons of war.
Neo-Liberal
An old conservative.
Oligarch
A Russian billionaire.
Pariah
A state or individual who is not a friend of the “International Community”, and thus must rely solely on the other 2/3 of the world for trade and diplomatic relations.
Propaganda
Something that never happens here and only happens over there.
Peace
Aspiration that can only be achieved through perpetual war.
Rebels
Islamic zealots, anti-government movements, foreign mercenaries and right-wing militias operating within an “autocracy”.
Syria
“Autocratic” and “corrupt” “pariah” state, currently engaged in military “aggression” against “rebels” and “moderates”, whom “conspiracy theorists” falsely claim are backed by the “international community”. A possible threat to the “national security” of “democracies”, and thus a potential candidate for a NATO campaign of “humanitarian” bombing in the name of “peace” and “freedom”.
Terrorists
Islamic zealots, anti-government movements, foreign mercenaries and right-wing militias operating within a “democracy”.

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