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Russians halt search for intelligent life in Washington

by Bryan Hemming

A Russian research team which claimed to have detected signs of intelligent life in Washington has now discovered the life there not to be quite so intelligent after all.

A Russian spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, told our Moscow science correspondent —who also wishes to remain anonymous— that the Washington atmosphere has been poisoned by huge clouds of putrid hot air belching from the corporate media. He explained that such a hostile environment makes it almost impossible for intelligent life to survive, let alone evolve a sustainable culture. The Russian team believes there may still be small pockets of intelligent life elsewhere on the North American continent but without the necessary conditions they need to thrive they are destined to disappear without trace.

Speaking off the record, the Russian spokesman, who asked us not to disclose his identity, added that hopes of finding intelligent life in London, Paris, Berlin and other Western European locations, where it might be expected to flourish, are fading fast. Though it is believed intelligent life once existed in Occiental Europe, an atmosphere suitable for the maintenance of such life has all but evaporated.

On both the North American and West European continents bodies spewing vast amounts highly toxic material are believed to be responsible for a huge decline in mental faculties. Parasitical in nature, the bodies manage to insinuate themselves into host communities by imitating human characteristics. Once established, instead of breathing life into the atmosphere, the alien bodies attach themselves to previously healthy organs that normally perform the function of transmitting current information vital for the proliferation of intelligence and the survival of the species. The attached parasites corrupt the integrity of the host organ by sucking out all the elements essential to the growth of rational thought. They then convert those elements into a highly toxic material before excreting it onto the host community. The resulting excrement swiftly leads to the asphyxiation of the myriad varieties of media required for the growth of knowledge and ideas on which intelligent life subsists and thrives.

Russian scientists fear intelligent life may already be extinct in vast swathes of the West, creating huge barren areas of empty desert devoid of any discernible culture.


  1. I don’t think the Russians should give up on searching for intelligent life in Washington, but they may have set the bar a little high on what they consider intelligent life to be…

    After months of listening to John Kerry, a man who sees Russian war-crimes everywhere but no Saudi war-crimes in Yemen, this is entirely understandable.

    But you have to understand – John Kerry isn’t actually a human being! He’s a State Department cyborg programmed in Foggy Bottom with basic human characteristics, but they fucked up reasoning and logic.

  2. dobermansheba says

    Yes a Prerequisite to be an American Politician, President, work for the CIA, or the Editor of an American Newspaper is that you are brain dead, preference will be given to applicants that are in a persistent vegetative state or had a Lobotomy, or both.

  3. jack says

    mouth to mouth recussitation that is what is required urgently

    • rabbitnexus says

      Too many STDs. Not worth the risk.

    • yep says

      what intelligence life ?….washington is full of zionistjews, neo cons ( khazarians ), in the usa government today, who are all screaming to start a nuke ww3, if this happens, please remember to bomb Israel, with a few nukes, if you go to war russia, please, you will help many people on this planet…..

  4. Reblogged this on Worldtruth and commented:

    This was hilarious reading, but sad because it bears too much resemblance to reality.

  5. A wise European remarked nearly 100 years ago that “no-one should believe that British politics [this was January 1917, when Britain was the world’s ‘superpower’ – before the outer mantle had been passed to the US] will ever be morally reformed and withdraw, out of consideration for the world, from the pretension to dominate the world industrially and commercially”. In a newly published article, researcher Terry Boardman writes:

    “After the Brexit vote, if the British are really interested in “independence and sovereignty”, it is a declaration of their own independence from their former colony [the US] that they will need to issue at some point, and until they do, “independence and sovereignty” will be empty words … The Brexit vote then has brought the British people to a historic crossroads – to decide whether they, as individuals, wish to take responsibility for their country remaining an American puppet state and thus, vicariously, part of the Anglo-American elite drive to “dominate the world industrially and commercially”, or whether they wish to take responsibility for seeking a very different, non-hegemonic future for their country, a future in which economic life is not seen as competitive national warfare, survival of the fittest, but as an opportunity for global human cooperation between producers, distributors and consumers”.

    • Yonatan says

      Farage, the patron saint of BrExit, also supports TTIP. His claims of restoring national soveriegnty ring hollow, as the EU treaties are revokable, but TTIP is not. Once in, game over. Incidentally, the EU laws are implemented to varying degrees in the various member states. The Civil service and local British bureaucrats seem to be the most effective at fully implementing laws. The same applies to the dreaded “‘elf and safety”.

      • farang says

        Not sure where this concept of “once in, you can never, ever ever leave” the TTIP comes from: what ever we join voluntarily, we can leave unilaterally, despite what any piece of paper says. A mistake is not something “sealed for eternity”: it is something eagerly left behind if it turns into the nightmare of One World Government, which is what it actually represents.

  6. In nature, even organisms without brains manage extraordinarily complex feats of self-organisation and symbiotic cooperation – without which life would not continue on the planet. Unfortunately, having been given large brains and the potential to develop globally symbiotic structures that would benefit all, a tiny minority of morally atrophied sub-humans in centres of power around the world – nowadays supported by unimaginably large amounts of electronic ‘brain-power’ – threaten the existence of all life.
    What we are facing is not merely a black hole of genuine intelligence – the ability to make sensible choices – but one of morality. It risks trivialising the desperate situation we are in to call these people merely stupid. We need to recognise that we are in the presence of real evil.

  7. Tubularsock who wishes to remain anonymous happens to agree completely with the Russian scientists on this study. From actual contact with the neo-form-of-life that makes up a large portion of Washington, D.C. anonymous Tubularsock, who has not been cleared to make this comment, has seen that the Russian Study is correct with his own eyes. THIS IS SCIENCE and science is never wrong! But more study needs to take place so please send stacks of unmarked Franklins in brown paper lunch bags to Tubularsock Science Studies. USA

    And remember: In the study of Science one should NEVER Russian to a conclusion!

    • rtj1211 says

      Actually, Tubularsock’s observations are just that, observations.

  8. Jen says

    At least Japan can mount a weak excuse … the nation had the Fukushima nuclear reactor explosion disaster a few years ago which continues to send radiation into the air and waters off the eastern coast.

    Whereas the toxins polluting the environment around Washington and Wall Street and other places where the US elites meet have no such defence.

    • Eileen Kuch says

      Right, Jen. The Fukushima reactor disaster continues to emit radiation into the air and waters off Japan’s eastern coast and spreading eastward toward the US west coast .. Thus, Japan can be given a small excuse. The disaster followed a 9.0 magnitude earthquake and resulting tsunami that devastated the area .. including the Fukushima nuclear power plant.
      On the other hand, the putrid toxins polluting the environment around the District of Corruption. Wall Street and other such venues where US elites gather and meet have no such excuses. They chose to pollute the areas with their hot, toxic air, and, thus, must face the consequences of their actions.

  9. Luckily.. intelligent life still exists around Planet earth.. and some out there too. http://www.theyfly.com.. although the liars at nasa ands seti don’t want you to know any of that… as they stick to their fairy stories of.. 4M years ago our ancestors were chimps and. we are alone. so far.

  10. Brian Harry, Australia says

    Oh!……Is that what is happening? I knew there was a problem at the very top in the USA, but the contagion is spreading out of control. Of course, it was bound to happen with American influence totally overwhelming the ‘old’ Capitols of Europe, and of course, here in Australia as well. The USA issues orders and our pathetic ‘mind controlled’ politicians, seemingly entranced, kneel before our American masters and give them succour………………..

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