In the tradition of the Oxford English Dictionary, I recommend the following terms and their definitions to be included in a 2020 version of the same.
DNC – Democrats Nominate Clintons. A secret and nefarious body within Democratic Party that Makes Sure that only Clintons and their Clones get Nominations. The prominence of DNC is linked the futile attempts to slow down the demise of Neoliberalism.
White Helmets – a new form of birth control. It prevents members of the mainstream press from getting impregnated by truth. Any reporter travelling to the Middle East, Russia, Europe, or China is required to wear one all the time.
International News: A collection of urban legends and old wife-tales. Any news reported from Russia or China should be presumed a lie, unless proven otherwise. Under no circumstances should a proof come from the Atlantic Council, Wikipedia, Snopes, or any other propaganda outfit that calls itself “fact checker.”
Impeachment – a transgender incubus that visits nightly US Democrats in their sleep. The touch of Impeachment is so enticing, that those affected can’t think of anything else even during their waking hours.
Whoever gets visited by this incubus more than two times – be it an academic, politician, diplomat, military personnel, or security specialist – turns into a script-reading zombie, as has been recently witnessed during Impeachment Hearings.
Greta – A naïve character from Brothers Grimm’s Fairy Tale. In this tale, Greta leads her brother along with thousands of trusting adults deep into dark woods, where the evil Witch, called Climate Change, inflicts endless suffering upon her victims. These sufferings include floods, droughts, locusts, boils, plagues, death of livestock, and listening to the NPR all the time. The specter of Greta continues to haunt Europe to this very day.
Ukraine – an illegitimate child of the secret love affair between the Clintons, Biden, Obama, Merkel, and assorted Polish and Swedish Blonds. The child – instead of becoming an angelic baby with blond curls – grew up into a modern Frankenstein who eats its own parts and infects anyone who touches it with hatred and paranoia.
The country named in honor of this child has become a place where rich Democrats send their children to learn looting, before they can come back and start looting their own country. It is also a place where they feel the need to celebrate Nazi collaborators by turning them into national heroes. Even Poland does not do that.
Brexit – an evil uncle of Boris Johnson. When Boris’ ambitions to fill the shoes of great British Prime Ministers, like Disraeli or Churchill, has failed to realize, in comes Brexit, and relying on his network of old Etonians and angry proletarians, he helps Boris to achieve his goals.
Steele Dossier – the collection of adult cartoons that describes – in the most grotesque and ridiculous details – the sexapades of the presidential candidate, Donald Trump. The collection is so grotesque and unrealistic that only the most sordid porn-watchers and the most valiant agents of alphabet agencies find it plausible.
Quid Pro Quo – one of the most sordid stories in Steele dossier, that depicts Donald Trump sleeping with fifty-five concubines of the Ukrainian Ruler in one night; the reported feat outdoes therefore the record set by Heracles, known to have slept with fifty daughters of a Greek King in one night.
Russians – a mysterious group of people – who, similar to the demons of ancient times, the witches of the Middle Ages, and the Jews of the Modern Period — was created by the western mind for the purposes of scapegoating. Russians combine all possible contradictions: they can be simultaneously weak and strong; socialist, yet greedy and rapacious; conniving, yet very sloppy; they can pull a very sophisticated stunt, yet leave all the traces and clues that lead back to them. They can’t do anything without cheating; yet, they are always caught in their lies. General public in the west is convinced that the only way to defeat Russians is to vote for the candidate who can say “Russians” faster than his rivals.
Whataboutism. An incantation that one pronounces to dismiss legitimate concerns of one’s opponent. It is the modern day version of “catch the thief,” when a thief, to avoid being caught, starts chasing an innocent person while screaming “catch the thief.” Used primarily by the propagandists of NATO countries to deflect scrutiny of their own violent and illegal behavior.
An earlier version of this piece was published in The Duran on December 17, 2019.
Vladimir Golstein, a former associate professor at Yale University, manages the Department of Slavic Studies at Brown University and is a commentator on Russian affairs.
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