by Vladimir Golstein
Scientists at Michael Bloomberg School of Multiplication at Johns Hopkins University have discovered a new and highly dangerous and contagious source of death. It is called life.
The discovery was long in the making, with some great sages of Ancient world expounding it, but, it could not be scientifically proven, until the scientists zeroed in on a small mountainous region in Nepal, where people (average age 90) all of the sudden began to die. They were healthy before and then they began to drop like flies, reported local newspaper.
The team of American researchers from aforementioned university began to eliminate all the possible causes of death: these guys don’t drive, they don’t drink, they practice peaceful coexistence, and they eat solely vegan food. Consequently, there was only one suspect left. It is the virus called life, caused by the two highly powerful strains of this virus, called Sperm19, and Egg18.
Once the discovery has been made, the scientists got to work and came to the chilling discovery that explosion of life eventually leads to explosion of death: both within the species, and within the biosphere. They were helped in this discovery by the team of the intrepid reporters from two British news outlets.
While The Guardian was updating its daily map of death – with highly vivid diagrams of new death explosions all over the planet, BBC worked very hard at creating the map of newly born. And then: Eureka. When one lonely British nerd, named White Helmet Belincat and still living in the basement of his mom’s house, had juxtaposed two maps, the uncontestable pattern began to emerge.
But how do you convince the population, that one of the activities they so much like to get engaged into, such as making babies, leads to death?
Leave it to CNN and the American knowhow. Hollywood actors, celebrities, the most prominent politicians and scientists began to preach all forms of non-reproductive sex. While making some inroads among gay and transgender communities, the message kept on falling on dead ears among the rest of the population.
Until a new crusader, called Virgin Greta, was catapulted into stardom by mass media. You sentenced me to death, she began to scream to her parents, then to her local Swedish community, and eventually, she delivered her message to UN. How dare you? How dare you to send us to schools, where they teach us sex education. Just abstain, Just say no! Who needs that stupid animalistic, germ-multiplying, baby producing activity to begin with?
With Greta onboard, the mass media, consistent of the most conscientious and most responsible members of the society began a new campaign at nipping life at the bud.
Media began to parade the experts in the field, who demanded drastic actions from the government. Our government is doing nothing. In fact, such people like Trump and Johnson, along with former leaders, like Clinton or Kennedy, demonstrate a highly unhealthy attraction to sex with the opposite gender. Trump was clearly the worst, populating White House with attractive females, and promoting baby making even without a dialogue: just grab them by the … he preached.
With the epidemic of deaths, occurring now all over the world, in the countries with highly old and decrepid population in particular, there was no time to waste. In comes the foremost scientist of his generation, the Director of the Institute of Immunology, and the Winner of Bloomberg Award of Excellence, Doctor Faquci, who, summarizing the finding of other scientists, begins to preach an active intervention:
It is not enough to supply all the population with birth-control methods. Besides, our economy being prophet driven and controlled by the lobbyists of children food, and children-cloth industries, are constantly sabotaging our efforts of dressing the population in condoms. We need more active measures. People can’t get in groups – there is always a danger that a man can meet a woman in a cinema, bar, or dance club. People should be locked up in their rooms. Preferably individually. But in any case, no mixing of genders. When you lock people up, you know damn well, what they gonna do. So say yes to sex, but no to reproductive sex. The virus of death had to be conquered once and for all, and our exceptional nation is uniquely qualified to do so. We have enough cooks, zealots, maniacs, and fools with guns, to see us through the victory.
While the president of the country, the aforementioned, evil Trump, has originally resisted the idea: he happened to like both babies and baby-making, the pressure from the media, security apparatus, and the most progressive governors, proved too much even for his thick head. The governors of two most progressive States, California and New York, declared a total lockdown with people locked in the single rooms. On odd days, males were allowed to go shopping, on even – females. Transgender and post-childbearing age adults were allowed to shop every day, at the specially designated hours. Soon, other states had followed.
Special unit of the security apparatus, has been created to confront Russian and Chinese counter-efforts, which consisted in parading exceptionally attractive females, and happy looking families in their social media and TV. These outlets were declared, “state sponsored propaganda” and banned from all known media outlets.
Army was introduced into the cities, to make sure that everyone follows the orders. Maternity wards of the hospitals were quickly transformed into sterilization clinics, where first celebrities, and then regular people decided to deal a deadly blow to the virus of life, sorry of death. Families who sterilized in bulk (parents and children) were given Greta awards – a condom made of gold, with the words, “how dare you” written on it. The virus of death had eventually been squashed.
(This story had been written on a piece of paper, found in the lonely bottle, floating down the Mississippi River).
Vladimir Golstein, former associate professor at Yale University, is currently Chair of the Department of Slavic Studies at Brown University.