2023: A Strange Odyssey

Riley Waggaman

The algorithm demands more efficient coffee!

Roscosmos, which is a black budget Masonic scam just like NASA (it’s just a joke, relax—OR IS IT?), recently crashed a Shahed suicide drone into the Moon for science. Probably you read about it.

But a far more exciting example of Progress went entirely unreported in English-language media. I am of course referring to Moscow coffee shops tracking every movement of every employee and customer in order to calculate coffee security, efficiency, and convenience:

Modern technologies are continuously integrated into various business areas, and the Russian coffee industry is not waiting on the sidelines. Recently, Russian coffee shops have begun using artificial intelligence (AI) to optimize the operation of their establishments. The new approach allows you to regulate the productivity of staff and analyze the behavior of visitors, which contributes to more efficient management and improved quality of service.

Okay.

More from VC.ru, because I am not talented enough to type something this special:

Traditionally, coffee houses have relied on manual management of staff and evaluation of work based on the subjective opinions of managers. However, with the development of technology and the availability of large amounts of data, Russian coffee shops have begun to implement AI to improve business processes.

Ah yes, Automated & Objective Coffee Management. This is what we’ve all been dreaming of since 1968. Gone are the dark days of Manual & Subjective Coffee-Making & Drinking. And it’s about time.

Your Constitutional Right to receive coffee at record speeds is now being supervised by AI. Your coffee is The Mission. The mission will be completed no matter the cost—and the bumbling humans will not be permitted to interfere.

Wait. I think I’ve seen this horror film before…

Actually, it’s remarkable how the Future continues to be far less cool than advertised. Sixty years ago everyone was promised that we’d soon have a Trump Tower on the Moon. Instead, cutting-edge technology is being deployed to supervise ditzy 20-something art students as they squirt caffeine into dainty little mugs.

I can’t be the only one who has noticed this?

But we must be pragmatic. Colonizing the Moon is not possible until we deploy neural networks to neutralize all the black market cabbage dealers, whose illegal vegetable deals are preventing our spaceships from passing through the Van Allen radiation belt.

A much-needed crackdown on pensioners trying to make a few extra rubles.

BUSTED. TO THE MOON!

These great leaps forward remind me of the vending machine with luscious lips developed by Russian robot firm Promobot.

Here is an Associated Press nightmare from last year’s St. Petersburg International Economic Forum:

For those of us who don’t trust the Lamestream Media:

“The robot is capable of working around the clock. It never gets tired or distracted,” the official Promobot “Cyber Cafe” video promo explains.

Most of you are probably not baristas, and therefore feel immune from Objective AI Management, but let me remind you of that famous couplet from Homer’s Odyssey:

“First they came for the leggy baristas. And I did not speak out, because I was a blogger and the leggy baristas sensed this and ignored me, and I was bitter about this.”

— Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address

Riley Waggaman is your humble Moscow correspondent. He worked for RT, Press TV, Russia Insider, yadda yadda. In his youth, he attended a White House lawn party where he asked Barack Obama if imprisoned whistleblower Bradley Manning (Chelsea was still a boy back then) “had a good Easter.” Good times good times. You can subscribe to his Substack here, or follow him on twitter or Telegram.

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