empire watch, latest, Russia, USA
Comments 18

Confession of a Putin-Nazi Denialist

CJ Hopkins, The Consent Factory

Last week, I published an inappropriate and deeply offensive satirical essay, for which I would now like to repeatedly apologize. The offensive satirical essay in question, Awaiting the Putin-Nazi Apocalypse, which I regret having written and for which I intend to repeatedly apologize throughout this essay, concerned what I perceived, at the time I wrote it, as an overreaction on the part of millions of decent, patriotic liberals to the first eighteen months of Donald Trump’s presidency and Vladimir Putin’s ongoing efforts to destroy democracy and take over the world.

In light of recent revelations, and repeated viewings of heartbreaking close-up color photos of children in cages, I feel it incumbent on myself to confess what I recognize now as my part in spreading the scourge of Putin-Nazism that is metastasizing like a hideous Slavic colon cancer throughout our great nation, and to repeatedly apologize for having been an apologist for such Hitlerian evil, as well as any discomfort my Putin-Nazi Denialism might have caused anyone.

In addition to repeatedly apologizing for any emotional or psychological discomfort or trauma my essay may have caused, I would like to attempt to explain why I wrote it, not to in any way excuse myself, but rather, in the hope that other political satirists might learn from my mistake, and stop and think about the consequences of going after cheap, easy laughs while hundreds of thousands of innocent people are being rounded up by the American gestapo and shipped off to concentration camps to be horribly murdered with poison gas, and experimented on by sadistic doctors, or just slowly starved and worked to death … which is obviously nothing to joke about.

Again, I’m not trying to rationalize the offensive nature of the essay in question (which I wrote on prescription sleep medication), but I was honestly not aware when I wrote it that there was such a thing as the American gestapo, or that there were any actual concentration camps in the United States at the present time. I just assumed that the stories I was seeing in the press about children being torn away from their parents, locked in cages, or disappeared, were referring to the Department of Homeland Security and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, both of which were created in 2002, when everyone was still running around waving flags, backing the invasion of the Greater Middle East, the loss of any semblance of personal privacy, and the militarization of their local police, because the ruling classes and the corporate media had told them that Saddam Hussein was Hitler, or that Osama bin Laden, or someone, was Hitler.

I had not realized that Putin had ordered Trump to transform the DHS (which during the beneficent Obama administration had been housing so-called “illegal immigrants” in comfort suites at the Holiday Inn, and providing the kids with Snow Cones, and so on) into a goose-stepping, Sieg-heiling Nazi kill-corps that is even now, as I am writing this confession, carrying out the Final Mexican Solution.

Fortunately, General Michael Hayden set me straight with his recent tweet, featuring a picture of Auschwitz itself, and a grim reminder that “other governments have separated mothers and children.” Hayden, a former director of both the NSA and CIA, and who has no qualms about torturing Muslims or illegally surveilling American citizens, surely knows a death camp when he sees one … so I figured I’d better dig a little deeper into this whole Nazified Amerika thing.

When I did, mostly by submersing myself in countless reports in the corporate media, and by spastically flicking through memes on Twitter, I realized what a fool I had been (which, again, I’m terribly, terribly sorry for). I had thought Trump’s “zero tolerance” policy was just another gratuitously sadistic twist on the long-standing practice of tormenting desperate people fleeing societies systematically destabilized by the US government and the corporations that basically own it in order to maintain a criminalized labor force to do the shit jobs Americans don’t want and drive down domestic wages, generally…but it turns out that isn’t it at all.

No, this time, it appears it’s not just another Republican beating up on minorities to score political points with Americans too blind or ignorant to understand that “illegal immigrants” are not their enemies, but rather, the victims of the same corporatocracy that has been bleeding them dry for the last five decades while pandering to their tribalist fears and fantasies of racial superiority. No, this time, it’s the actual, literal Nazis with actual, literal concentration camps, except that this time they want to exterminate the Mexicans, or Mexican kids in any event, and Hitler is actually a foreign agent remotely controlled by Vladimir Putin, who is somehow, at the same time, also Hitler, and is trying to take over the entire world by allowing his country to be surrounded by NATO, except for his naval ports in Crimea, which Obama helped the Ukrainian Nazis try to steal away from the Russian Nazis, but that was way back in 2014, before Amerika went full-blown Nazi, when there were no Mexican kids in Walmarts converted into Nazi death camps. Or something more or less like that. I’ve been getting a little confused, myself, since I started trying to stop to overthinking things and instead just react to whatever stimulus the corporate media and the ruling classes wave in front of my face everyday.

Look, the point is, I’m terribly, terribly sorry for writing that offensive satirical essay, which I realize now was horribly insensitive, and hurtful, and possibly against some law, or corporate code of Internet conduct. I sincerely hope you will not read it, and that Google and Facebook caught it and deranked it before it lured any impressionable young minds into the cesspool of Putin-Nazi Denialism. As for me, I’ve decided it will be best for everyone if I withdraw from public life for a while to reflect on how I ended up here and … you know, to spend more time with my family.

Before I do that, I just wanted to mention (again, not to in any way defend the insensitive and narcissistic views I mindlessly expressed in the essay in question) that my failure to recognize what’s been happening back home might have something to do with the fact that I live here in Berlin, in Germany, where the streets are full of Stolpersteine, little brass cobblestones bearing the names of actual people torn out of their homes by the actual Geheime Staatspolizei, put on trains, sent to death camps, or just taken out into the woods and murdered. These Stolpersteine are embedded in the street outside the last houses where these people lived, so it isn’t that hard to imagine the Gestapo — i.e., the actual Nazi Gestapo — dragging, well, let’s say, Frau Elsbeth Piltz, out of what, until the 26th of February, 1943, was her home (and is now one of my local grocery stores), and sending her off to be gassed at Auschwitz.

I pass her Stolperstein more or less daily, as well as those of other people … actual living human beings who walked the same streets I walk today, people who were murdered by actual Nazis … not the hysterical fantasies of Nazis that self-absorbed liberals entertain in order to short circuit their critical thinking and shout down any criticism of their self-righteous mission to defend democracy from imaginary Russians and Donald Trump. But whatever. Who gives a shit about history, or the memory of Elsbeth Piltz, or any other actual human beings, when you’ve got an official narrative to sell?

Damn it…there I go again with my Putin-Nazi Denialism. Forgive me. I’m still working on it. Just give me a little time alone with the corporate media, and Twitter, and I will eventually get my mind right, I swear.

The preceding essay is entirely the work of satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins. If, for whatever inexplicable reasons, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 a month), or send a contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his novel, Zone 23, which we hear is pretty funny, or any of his subversive stage plays, or come find him in Berlin and buy him a beer. He’s been known to frequent an assortment of extremely suspicious RUSSIAN establishments in Kreuzberg.

18 Comments

  1. King Kong says

    When you tweet a picture from the entrance of Auschwitz and use it as an excuse for treating people inhumany, because other did it, I am shell shocked.
    I cannot even imagine what this turd is thinking, I only know that you can not reason or negotiate with such people, they are morally so corrupt, it defies everything.
    I know Karma exists, oh boy he has it coming….




    1



    1
  2. Frankly Speaking says

    Excellent, you’ll get enough to buy at least a beer from me.




    2



    0
    • Yarkob says

      Or Wollongograd as it used to be known before the fall of the AUSSR




      0



      0
  3. stevehayes13 says

    I am pleased to see that the political media elite have finally recognised that separating parents and children is unconscionable (as the UN said) and are no resolved to never split up families ever again. I am confidently expecting the imminent emptying of prisons across the global, the reuniting with their parents of all those children family courts forcibly removed, the emptying of the UK’s detention centres, etc.




    5



    0
    • Yarkob says

      Yes. It’s unclear as to whether they will include forcibly separating parents from children by means of HE and white phosphorus, too




      0



      0
  4. Fair dinkum. says

    Apology noted CJ.
    It will be filed and considered for acceptance in due course.
    Any further grovelling will be frowned upon.




    8



    0
  5. Mulga Mumblebrain says

    Trump needs to learn true ‘humanity’ from his Israeli friends and benefactors. They would never think of separating parents and their children in Gaza. In true ‘Light Unto the Nations’ fashion they starve and bomb families together. That’s ‘moral purity’.




    19



    0
  6. archie1954 says

    You should apologize for publishing fake news! Putin has absolutely nothing to do with the travesty that is today’s America.




    7



    0
  7. rtj1211 says

    Clearly having chosen to live in Berlin you have been inhaling the auras of Putin’s past. Shameful!

    I have it on good authority that Putin will reverse the direction of the horse-driven carriage atop the Brandenburg Gate as part of the Nordstream II deal, just to teach Germans never to seek Lebensraum nach Osten again. He is also deeply appreciative of Germany playing a pathetic first game at the world cup as he laid them to lose at 10:1 via his army of criminal drones. The winnings are already safely lodged in the Caymans.

    He is even happier that the Poles lost their first game as the ungrateful sods are destroying Russian war memorials on instruction of Polish Americans who have expressed their dislike for Russians since the 1970s.

    He can barely restrain his glee that the Yanks could not even qualify, especially as he has $250m stashed away safely in Panama.

    And as for the Turks, Ukrainians and Israelis not making it, well that is just three of those things.

    The most worrying thing about Mr Putin appears to be his edict to RT to write huge numbers of stories about Western brothels. Anyone would think he had a fetish for young attractive women. Despite official media frowning upon porn stars with Russian passports. And there I was thinking he had an endless stream of ambitious young beauties seeking career advancement through being a loyal citizen to the President of the Motherland…

    The real problem I have with Putin is that he actually wants to improve the lot of ordinary Russians. What kind of a criminal deprives billionaires of wealth they do not need, especially when that is the only thing that sexually arouses them? I mean what is a healthy, well fed child with a proud mother and father compared to the sexual imperatives of an oligarch, eh? The man clearly needs to see a psychiatrist…

    I am beginning to wonder whether the US and Russia should swap Constitutions for a while. But then I realised the oligarchs still have too much power for that to be acceptable to Putin. Another reason to lambast him though….

    It really is time for a version of Spitting Image on RT.

    Now who would be the truncheon-wielding version of Norman Tebbitt?

    Which Kremlin member has insatiable sex drive?

    And who are the squirming wets who Putin will treat with contempt and disdain?!




    18



    1
  8. Another of Putin’s crimes was to set up Nazi-style concentration camps in South Africa and blame it on the British during the second Boer War.




    32



    1
    • rtj1211 says

      Yes, he learned both to clone himself and to practice Resurrection as he knew that the Orthodox Church would be resurrected.




      5



      0
    • Mulga Mumblebrain says

      And Pontius Putin was there, disguised cunningly as a Roman, washing his hands of Jesus in Palestine. He’s been everywhere, man! Even Wollongong.




      7



      0
      • Ray Raven says

        Steady on. Not to many people admit to being to, or from, Wollongong.




        4



        0
        • Mulga Mumblebrain says

          My role model, Norman Gunston, certainly has.




          0



          0
      • James Scott says

        He may have been to Wollongong but I bet he never travelled to Adelaide.




        0



        0

Please note the opinions expressed in the comments do not necessarily reflect those of the editors or of OffG as a whole