In the heart of the heartland, in Des Moines, Iowa, the Democratic Party has at last found a perfect candidate, the one who finally looks like America. She is white and black and Hispanic, all in proper proportions. She has some remnants of Jewish and Arabic blood, and 0,001% of the Native American one. She is transgender and bisexual, an athlete and Rhodes Scholar to boot. She hates personal pronouns and prefers to go under the name, They. Her last name is Legion.
They Legion is being groomed by DNC for the role of a super challenger who will finally unseat Trump. In order to extend They’s appeal to the alt-media community, the DNC decided to grant me this rare interview. Below are the excerpts. And unfortunately, I don’t have the voice beguiling voice of Terry Gross, but try to imagine that she conducts the interview.
VG: So, They, you had a very rough childhood, but you write in your biography, called, Democratic Hope Dies Last, that what kept you going was listening to NPR. When did you first discover NPR?
They Legion (TL): F..k Trump!
VG: I am sure our listeners would appreciate this comment, but can you please expand. What made you join Democratic Party, and become its intrepid champion?
TL: F..k Trump!
VG: I admire you persistence and determination, something that has been lacking in Democratic Party recently, but please share with our listeners your views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. As a person with strong connection to both groups, what steps are you going to take in order to solve the problem?
TL: F..k Trump!
VG: That will surely be a start, but are you not aware that there are other players in the area, like Russians, Chinese, Iranians? A true leader has to look at the heart of the problem.
TL: F..k Trump!
VG: You seem to pre-empt all my questions. So, our highly intelligent listeners would surely guess the answer to the next question of our interview, related to the tensions with Russia and China, arms race, and the US decision to withdraw from INF treaty?
TL: Yeah, f..k Trump!
VG: I am sure that with the few heart-felt words you managed to whip our listeners into a perfect frenzy. I see them gulping on their chardonnay, rejoicing at hearing of such a perfect candidate right now, and not in the distant future. Still, I am sure there are still some independents, listening to this station, who need an extra push to get convinced. Can you please elaborate on your platform. How, for example, do you plans to elevate poverty and inequality, and other social ills that plague modern America?
TL: Down with Inequality, down with Poverty, down with Fake News, down with all sorts of Phobias. Fight The Climate Change, Long Live Mueller Commission, Lock all Russians up.
VG: That’s a tall order for sure! You know that there are plenty of good productive Russians who contribute mightily to the US economy. I myself come from Russia.
TL: You do? Well, in that case, tell your Putin, that we are going to f..k Trump in Iowa, and New Hampshire, and Nevada, and South Carolina, and all over the country, and then we’ll nuke Russia for daring to meddle with our democracy.
VG: Thank you for your uplifting interview, I hear your audience roaring with enthusiasm. Even I feel slight spasms in my throat, hearing the voice of America, of a new America. Reminds me of good old days, when I listened to the Voice of America back in Moscow.
And good luck with your agenda, dear Ms. Legion; and dear listeners, remember there is a special place in hell, for all those who do not support They Legion. And our glorious seventeen security agencies, which They has promised to extend to even twenty, have already secured a room with your name in this hell.
Vladimir Golstein, a former associate professor at Yale University, manages the Department of Slavic Studies at Brown University and is a commentator on Russian affairs.
For direct-transfer bank details click here.