One American wit imagined that there is a reality- or fact-based community in the United States. Where did he find it, and what was he smoking?
But here are clear signs by which you can identify the members of the Faith Based Community, the loyal followers of Tertullian’s “Credo quia absurdum.”
1. They believe that Trump is an alien body of American Politics, the ultimate embodiment of evil, brought to these blessed shores from afar. In the manner of a virus or something.
2. The main agents responsible for unleashing Trump upon Americans are Russians. In fact, the real name of Trump is Daniil Trampov. He is just one of those Manchurian Candidates created in the secret KGB labs to wreak havoc upon otherwise peace loving, trusting, and never violent Americans who even view guns as toys and collect them in their glass cabinets like others collect exotic dolls.
3. It is only those Russians and other authoritarians who kill people. And they do it on mass scale. Never in dozens, always in millions. Peace loving Americans, on the other hand, just shoot an unarmed man here, a few school-children there, or bomb a small wedding somewhere, but never on the scale of these authoritarian SOBs.
4. Miraculously, all other nations engaged in mass-butchery, like Germans, Ukrainians or Poles, immediately become peace-loving, democratic and helpless victims of authoritarian Russians the minute they turn themselves into American servants. From SOBs they become SODs — Sons of Democracy, or Saudis, for short. The same applies to anyone, no matter how outrageous his actions or views are. As long as this person says, “Down with Trump” — all his sins are washed off, and he becomes a born again SOD.
5. People living in Democracies have real problems: raising children, paying bills, making a living. Those who live under evil dictatorships, like Russians, don’t have any problems — their dictators take care of their lives and deaths — consequently, the only thing left for Russians or Chinese to do is to interfere in the American way of life. They interfere day and night, face to face and over internet, on social media and in public elections. It is them Russians who’ve taught Americans hate each other. Just look at their literature: War and Peace, Crime and Punishment, Fathers and Children. It is always division, always discord.
6. Americans and Western people in general, have only one protector from these evil interference, NATO, and its two reliable and sparkling clean civilian branches: mass media and security agencies. If any of these branches blames evil authoritarians for interfering, installing Trumpov into White House, or doing any other sort of mischief — trust them!
7. The only person that equals Trumpov in villainy is his one time associate, Flynnov. Caught red-handed and forced to confess that he’s met the Russian Ambassador — and now oh, horror of horrors — released from eternal damnation by another Trumpov associate, William Barr, i.e. Vladimir Barrov.
8. The duty of all peace loving Americans is to put on the mask, tin-foil-pussy hat, and lock themselves up in the basement to prevent the virus from spreading. Yet, it is Russians who agitate Americans, and Trumpov in particular, to get back to the streets and into the sunlight. First, Russians killed their own people, now they are after Americans. That should be resisted.
9. The leader of the resistance is Joe Biden. He’s been on the lockdown, long before it even started. Just to make sure, he already locked down his brain, because it is obvious that the brain is the main apparatus through which the outside world communicates with human beings. No brain=perfect lockdown.
10. Needless to say, Russians will now concentrate all their efforts on undermining and interfering with Biden’s bid for power. One just hopes that our valiant guardians, like NATO, security agencies, mass media, and select Democratic Politicians, like Adam Schiff of California, will continue their exposure of dirty Russian tricks.
Vladimir Golstein, former associate professor at Yale University, is currently Chair of the Department of Slavic Studies at Brown University.
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