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My Interview with Democratic Candidate They Legion

Vladimir Golstein

In the heart of the heartland, in Des Moines, Iowa, the Democratic Party has at last found a perfect candidate, the one who finally looks like America. She is white and black and Hispanic, all in proper proportions. She has some remnants of Jewish and Arabic blood, and 0,001% of the Native American one. She is transgender and bisexual, an athlete and Rhodes Scholar to boot. She hates personal pronouns and prefers to go under the name, They. Her last name is Legion.

They Legion is being groomed by DNC for the role of a super challenger who will finally unseat Trump. In order to extend They’s appeal to the alt-media community, the DNC decided to grant me this rare interview. Below are the excerpts. And unfortunately, I don’t have the voice beguiling voice of Terry Gross, but try to imagine that she conducts the interview.

VG: So, They, you had a very rough childhood, but you write in your biography, called, Democratic Hope Dies Last, that what kept you going was listening to NPR. When did you first discover NPR?

They Legion (TL): F..k Trump!

VG: I am sure our listeners would appreciate this comment, but can you please expand. What made you join Democratic Party, and become its intrepid champion?

TL: F..k Trump!

VG: I admire you persistence and determination, something that has been lacking in Democratic Party recently, but please share with our listeners your views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. As a person with strong connection to both groups, what steps are you going to take in order to solve the problem?

TL: F..k Trump!

VG: That will surely be a start, but are you not aware that there are other players in the area, like Russians, Chinese, Iranians?  A true leader has to look at the heart of the problem.

TL: F..k Trump!

VG: You seem to pre-empt all my questions. So, our highly intelligent listeners would surely guess the answer to the next question of our interview, related to the tensions with Russia and China, arms race, and the US decision to withdraw from INF treaty?

TL: Yeah, f..k Trump!

VG: I am sure that with the few heart-felt words you managed to whip our listeners into a perfect frenzy. I see them gulping on their chardonnay, rejoicing at hearing of such a perfect candidate right now, and not in the distant future. Still, I am sure there are still some independents, listening to this station, who need an extra push to get convinced. Can you please elaborate on your platform. How, for example, do you plans to elevate poverty and inequality, and other social ills that plague modern America?

TL: Down with Inequality, down with Poverty, down with Fake News, down with all sorts of Phobias. Fight The Climate Change, Long Live Mueller Commission, Lock all Russians up.

VG: That’s a tall order for sure! You know that there are plenty of good productive Russians who contribute mightily to the US economy. I myself come from Russia.

TL: You do? Well, in that case, tell your Putin, that we are going to f..k Trump in Iowa, and New Hampshire, and Nevada, and South Carolina, and all over the country, and then we’ll nuke Russia for daring to meddle with our democracy.

VG: Thank you for your uplifting interview, I hear your audience roaring with  enthusiasm. Even I feel slight spasms in my throat, hearing the voice of America, of a new America.  Reminds me of good old days, when I listened to the Voice of America back in Moscow.

And good luck with your agenda, dear Ms. Legion; and dear listeners, remember there is a special place in hell, for all those who do not support They Legion. And our glorious seventeen security agencies, which They has promised to extend to even twenty, have already secured a room with your name in this hell.

Vladimir Golstein, a former associate professor at Yale University, manages the Department of Slavic Studies at Brown University and is a commentator on Russian affairs.

17 Comments

  1. Gezzah Potts says

    Jesus fucken wept Vladimir….. You sum up the whole sordid, Orwellian, fruitloop nutshow in one succinct ‘interview’. Meanwhile the Capitalist killing machine keeps rolling over everything, pillaging and plundering the Planet for $$$ and the benefit of the Oligarchs and MIC, while these lambs blather on about pronouns and cisgender thingy and proportional bloodlines and other such immensely important topics. Oh, and toilets. And nearly all of them are totally oblivious to how dangerous the situation in the World is, viz United States – Russia – China.

    • Vladimir Golstein says

      Thank you, Gezzah Potts. It is so absurd that one wants to weep. Yet, I’d rather laugh.

  2. Gary Weglarz says

    Sweet! And what is the first bi-partisan bill to be introduced in the newly seated U.S. Senate? Why a “support of Israel” bill of course! I mean that is what keeps me awake at night – I’m always thinking – geeze, what will poor Israel do if people of conscience refuse to buy their products just because they’re a freaking uber-violent racist lawless settler State? Well not to worry – the U.S. Senate is on the job – Democrats and Republicans united in their loyalty to – Israel!

    https://theintercept.com/2019/01/05/u-s-senates-first-bill-in-midst-of-shutdown-is-a-bipartisan-defense-of-the-israeli-government-from-boycotts/

    In honor of Orwell I have a question for all members of the U.S. Senate and Congress in general: “guess how many fingers I’m holding up?”

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  3. George cornell says

    Lol! It is hard to take the Democrats any more seriously after the notorious election criminal and fraudster, Debbie Wasserperson Schultz got reelected. What does one have to do to get beaten? Lying, cheating and stealing are clearly insufficient,

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    • milosevic says

      lying, cheating, and stealing while Jewish

      fixed that for you.

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      • George cornell says

        The case of the convicted sex offender and pedophile Jeff Epstein, guilty of crimes which would send a black man to prison for life in many states, but who served essentially no time but had night time accommodation provided for a year, will be a test of the hypothesis you seem to be proposing.

        • mark says

          Yep, but he had Prince Andrew and the Palace putting in multiple good words for him to get 12 months in a country club holiday camp prison instead of 20 years in a cell with Big Mary, like the black man would have got.

  4. By coincidence, only last night I was wondering whether Bunyan really thought the Devil was called Legion, just because it is written, “his name is legion”. And today it appears her name is They. So Bunyan may have been onto something: Legion is the family name.

    BIRTHS. To the Democrats a third She Devil.

  5. Registered Democrat here. You referred to They with a feminine pronoun. Obviously you are racist and a crypto homophobe, and I will relish the day when you get deported back to your puppet master, Putin. Now, don’t you hack my phone, Fancy Bear. I’ve heard about your kind. 😒

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  6. milosevic says

    It’s funny, because it’s true.

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      • milosevic says

        Indeed, it’s almost like somebody planned it that way.

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